Oh, Valentine’s Day…

You have such a complex history.

Those stories that you were created by greeting card companies as a reason to sell cards are just #fakenews.

Sadly, many of the outlooks celebrated and reinforced by you also fall into this category of misinformation and misdirection.

On February 14, many of us will celebrate our loved ones, our partners with whom we have close, possibly intimate, relationships. We will celebrate the idea that these people, in some way, complete us.

And therein lies the single biggest lie of Valentine’s Day.

As I work with clients who are navigating relationships, I’ve noticed that most come to me for help when they’ve reached one of two very specific point in their view of the relationship:

1) The other person isn’t acting in the way THEY want them to or,

2) they can’t be happy unless they are in a relationship, that they are somehow “less than” if they are single.

The common thread to both of these falsehoods is that the person in question is valuing external validation over their own sense of personal strength.

For some strange reason, we seem to be wired to place emphasis on the reflection of ourselves, actually on the story we tell about the reflection of ourselves, rather than our internal knowledge.

In 2002, the American Psychological Association reported on a study by University of Michigan psychologist Jennifer Crocker, PHd.

The article noted:

“Studies of self-esteem have shown that placing the focus of our value on external sources leads to Crocker, who has worked on a series of self-esteem studies, found in her latest research that college students who based their self-worth on external sources--including appearance, approval from others and even their academic performance--reported more stress, anger, academic problems, relationship conflicts, and had higher levels of drug and alcohol use and symptoms of eating disorders.”

While, in contrast:

“Students who based their self-esteem on internal sources--such as being a virtuous person or adhering to moral standards--were found to receive higher grades and less likely to use alcohol and drugs or to develop eating disorders.”

So why do we give our personal power away to outside sources?

One reason may be simply that the responses supply us with a validation of our existence. Even a negative response gives us feedback that we are noticed by others.

Another reason may be that many of us have learned over years that we are not deserving of being happy.

That may seem like an odd statement, but consider this: if you have been told for your entire life that your perspective doesn’t matter, that you don’t know anything about life, how are you going to value your personal ideas about what your life should be?

Our inner critics can really diminish our sense of self-worth and sabotage our efforts to live happy, fulfilled, purposeful lives.

Thankfully, these negative thoughts can be overcome and a sense of high self-worth can be unlearned. Hypnosis is a fantastic tool for reaching to the root of these false beliefs, helping the client to realize that they are not true, and creating new, positive, self-supporting beliefs that are empowering.

Ultimately, we must take care of, and love, ourselves before we can really do the same for others.

“What? Isn’t that selfish?”

Yes, it is. And there is nothing wrong with that at all.

Culturally, we’re told that we should put others first. That we should be nice, be giving, be available when needed… and then we notice that we’ve given all of our energy to others who may not be appreciative or reciprocal of our efforts.

At this point, many continue to listen to their inner critic that is saying things like, “Well, if I was a better person, or if my perspective meant more, then they’d appreciate me.”

All they are doing is fueling falsehoods with more lies.

Make this Valentine’s Day the day that you choose to love yourself first. If you are feeling underappreciated, what one thing can you do for yourself? How can you be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you are perfect, whole and complete just as you are?

It’s perfectly fine to stay at home, read a book, have some tea and binge watch Netflix. Do what makes you happy and re-energizes you.

Because you can’t give from an empty tank.

Honor and celebrate YOU today. Be your own Valentine.

The more you celebrate yourself, the more you will weaken the inner critic and empower your true voice... the one that knows you are worthy, deserving, and complete.

How are you going to practice self care today? Tell me below.